Single Mommyhood

Yeah I Know My Blogging Has Been Sporadic

2009-10-18T12:29:00.003-04:00

I can't believe Lilah is already 13 months old. I can't believe how fast it has gone.... It's scary really to think about. So much has changed int he past year also. I'm back in school, for nursing this time. It's incredibly hard to go back to school, especially with a baby and a job. I don't know how some women do it. I mean I am so lucky to have my family there to help me. Lilah is walking and getting into everything. It's so amazing to see her see and understand everything. She's not saying too much but I figure once she learns I won't be able to keep her quiet so I can wait. I'm down with the flu right now, so trying to study to make up the tests I missed and the project that I missed also. Lilah is at church with my mom, but will be coming home shortly. Another day flying by.... faster than I would like!

Lilah's First Birthday Party and Bathtime!

2009-06-17T16:01:00.002-04:00

Lilah had her first birthday party this week! Our friend Josh has a son Peyton who turned 1 this week. Lilah had a blast! Crawled all over the grass and played with the other babies to her hearts content. She was a lot taller than the birthday boy, but that's no surprise since she is my little giant :) We came home tired and grassy so bathtime was in order! Here are some pictures of my cutiepie!

The New and Improved Single-Mommyhood Blog!

2009-06-11T22:28:00.002-04:00

Hey everybody....
It's been FOREVER! But since I'm getting the hang of this mommy business I'm transforming my blog into something a wee bit different. I'm going to be blogging about Lilah for the most part, things she's up to, into, and out of for those of you who are expecting I'll be donating and selling items too.
For a quick catch up, I'm working at Chili's in Peoria right now if you want to visit. I love it! I love my co-workers and my managers, but I also understand I will need a different career path soon. That is why I am applying to nursing school. I'll also keep you informed as to how that's going also!
Lilah is a REALLY active 9 month old right now. Her favorite things are stuffed animals and anything edible. She is crawling and pulling up on everything she can find and soon I just know she'll be running around and life will get even crazier! She still loves people and smiles at just about everyone she sees and loooooves the attention (go figure!) She hates naps and fights them to the death and loves stories before bedtime. She has 4 teeth now and is trying them out on everything, my fingers, shoulders, toys, food, dog, books, towels, you get the point!
We just had out first trip to the zoo so I thought I'd leave you with a picture of Lilah with some monkeys, because that's what she is lately, a little spider monkey!

I'm Tired of Waitressing

2008-11-10T00:45:00.003-05:00

I am so tired of waiting tables. Reaaallllly tired of it. Long hours, unpredictable pay, and pushy people. Let me name some examples of things that drive me nuts on the job.
1. People who drink really fast. We are talking every time I look their drink is empty. And it's never water, it's always soda. I just want to tell them they don't need the calories and to get the damn drink themselves.
2. People who don't acknowledge you're there. "Hi welcome to Bar Louie!...." after my little greeting is over they just sit there and stare at their menu. Silently. Like I'm automated or something. I want to scream HELLLLLLOOOOO!
3. People who think of something they need every time you walk by. Like ranch. Like more ranch. Like different silverware. Like something different because they didn't like the food. You don't like fish and you ordered the fish tacos? Please! They are FISH TACOS its not just a name it is actually made from it!
4. People who tip 15% or less. No it is not enough. If your server is passable you tip 20% which is what the base tip is now. Tip more if the server is good, if you take up the table for a really long time, or if you complain a lot.
5. People who let their kids tear apart every sugar/sugar substitute packet and pour them on the table. Then let their kids pour their food on the floor or across the room or anywhere but in their mouth. Just because you don't have to pick it up doesn't mean it isn't rude! Kids should be taught manners in restaurants from the beginning. I understand a little mess, but we are talking mop worthy. Completely unnecessary!
6. People who talk to you like you are stupid. I'm serious here, just because we are waiting tables doesn't mean we are uneducated. Many of the people I work with have degrees. Some have masters! It's better money than a minimum wage position which is the only thing available in this crap economy right now. And some people actually love doing it!
7. People who ask how expensive the drinks are. Instantly you know they're cheap, you know they are going to leave you a tiny tip. Come on people, if the price isn't listed it's expensive. If you need to ask the price you can't afford it anyway.
8. People who complain about how long it takes to get their food. Look around you, if it's busy there are that many meals being cooked and it's not like we have a cook for every person there. We can only move so fast. On a second note, if you order your steak/burger well done.... you are going to wait. It's takes forever. And everyone knows you don't need to kill your meat twice. It's barely edible by the time it reaches well done.
9. People who get drunk and inappropriate. Like slapping you in the butt, hanging on you, refusing to leave until you give them your number and promise to go out with them. I'm serious it happens.
10. People who ask for chicken tenders. They are not on the menu! We don't have them! We have some amazing things to try, so experiment or go back home you hillbilly!

Halloween 2008.... Lilah's First Holiday!

2008-11-04T17:20:00.003-05:00

I love shopping for Lilah. I think it's more fun than shopping for me... no I know it is. After careful deliberation (the lobster costume cost a LOT more than the pumpkin) Lilah's first Halloween costume was a pumpkin. It was adorable as you can see. She loved it actually, she really likes being hot so the fuzzy material worked out well. I took her out to my grandparents home in the little town I grew up in and greeted trick or treaters while getting ready to go meet up with friends of mine for our Halloween night out. Every time Lilah would move, her hood would fall and cover her face, which made the costume look even goofier. All in all it went well, I was able to go out with the girls on the town and Lilah's great grandparents babysat her overnight. The next day was gameday, so got to watch the Gators stomp the Dogs! Whoohoo! All in all a great weekend!

My Life is Officially Insane!

2008-10-27T00:30:00.002-04:00

It's been a long time yet again since my last post. I have been dealing with a lot, some good some not, all pretty stressful. I guess becoming a single mommy is kind of like being baptized by fire. I am exhausted both physically and emotionally. This journey into motherhood is the hardest and yet the most exciting thing I've ever done. Every time I think I can handle it, something else comes up.... and I know I should just get used to it but it's still hard. I'm dealing with a little PPD, but I have a great chiropractor who understands my opinions on medicating and gave me a supplement that is all-natural and has been working wonders. I can definitely tell a difference in my moods and energy levels when I take it.

I don't want to sound like I'm only focusing on the bad things though, I love being a mommy! I love every time my daughter stares at me or looks for me when she hears my voice. I love the way she smiles and talks to me when we are playing together. I love the way her long monkey toes curl around my finger. I love the way her big belly and skinny long legs makes her look like a frog when she is naked in the bath. I love taking her places and showing her off. I love putting her to sleep on my chest and listening to her laugh in her sleep. I love everything about her.

Things that are hard? I hate not being able to make her feel better when her tummy hurts. I hate not being able to buy her everything she needs. I hate that I can't give her a daddy who is around all the time and loves her mommy. I hate not having a stable job and a place of my own to raise her in. But I know I can't change these things right now and am trying to focus on the things I can. I can do as much as I can to make sure she's happy and healthy and really that's all that matters in the end anyway.

So right now I'm looking for a better job with benefits and some encouragement. Let me know if you have either :)

She's Here!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-09-15T19:45:00.003-04:00

I know it's been a little while since my last post, but things have been pretty crazy around here! I guess I should start from the beginning....
On Thursday Sept. 4, I developed severe toxemia and my Dr. wanted to immediately induce labor, so after waiting for my mom and sister to do their hair, no I am not joking, they took me to Proctor. They started me on the Pitocin drip to start contractions and gave me some great narcotics to help me sleep through the night. As soon as they shot my up I started giggling and telling my mom how wasted I was... hehehe... but it did help. They wanted me to rest and sleep through early labor in order to keep my blood pressure and stress levels as low as possible. The next morning however, I was only dilated to a 2 and things were getting much worse, higher blood pressure, lower platelet levels, pain in the liver and kidneys... the Dr. went ahead and ordered my epidural put in and broke my water. Well, things were still slow even after that! I didn't quite realize this at the time, but they were considering shipping me to the trauma unit at a neighboring hospital since my kidneys and liver were starting to shut down, risking seizures, stroke, or even death. Seriously. My parents were freaking out. The technical date of my older sisters death (although it was the Sat before Labor Day) is Sept. 5. And wouldn't you know, but I was going to have my baby on that day, when I got pregnant on her birthday. I don't believe in coincidence so all I can think is that God and Christa were telling me that they were going to transform that day for my family into something wonderful. Well, the afternoon rolled around of Sept. 5 and I was only dilated to a 5 after all this time. I was laying in my birthing room with my best friend Danelle while my Mom ran out to update the family and I started having horrible contractions almost on top of each other. I hadn't received active labor pain meds through the epidural yet because I was progressing so slowly, and I was really feeling these. When I asked the nurse to move me to try to relieve some of the pain, she decided to examine me. Good thing she did! I was fully dilated and ready to go! They frantically called the Dr. and he came to check me out. He thought he had a few minutes to see another patient downstairs so set everyone up to help me push and left. Apparently, he did not plan on the fact that I am a world class pusher. A few minutes later the nurse is yelling at him over the phone that he's going to miss the birth. He came running and after only 30 minutes of pushing Lilah Christine was born.
It was by far the most amazing experience of my life. I can tell you I owe it all to Danelle, for holding my hand and getting me through almost natural childbirth and for being the most amazing birth coach ever. To God for giving me peace through it and keeping me alive to enjoy my baby. To my family for helping so much in the following days while I have been recovering.
My life is truly amazing right now. I have lost all but 7 lbs of my pregnancy weight, she is sleeping for aroudn 3-4 hours at a time, which means so am I! I have great energy levels and great help from my Mom when I don't, and the most beautiful daughter in the world!
I am so happy to be a Mommy.... it's the best job ever!

9 Years Ago This Weekend I Lost My Sister

2008-08-30T11:51:00.003-04:00

I'm a little bit melancholy today. No, scratch that.... today is one of my least favorite days of the year. It was this Saturday night 9 years ago that my older sister died of a drug overdose that made it that way. I am really feeling the loss this year... some years are better than others.
This year, being pregnant with my first baby, I am remembering all of our conversations and times together all over again. The lunches at One World bitching about men and how we were going to grow old together as old maids, taking the dogs places, me getting suckered into helping her clean her house.... and the last conversation we ever had. She had been released to my house after a rather nasty suicide attempt, and fresh out of rehab. We were sitting on the concrete steps outside my old house in Glasford so she could smoke. I remember her telling me not to be like her. She didn't want me to be like her. She loved me so much but didn't want me to be unhappy and destructive and told me she didn't want me to end up like her. I told her I loved her more than anyone and that I wouldn't be unhappy, and it was the last time I spoke to my sister before she died. She went out with friends, did too many drugs which didn't mix with the anti-deppressants, painkillers, migraine meds, etc. she was already being perscribed, and never woke up.
I miss my sister.
I wanted her to meet my daughter but she never will, I wanted her to know I am naming her after her, not because I want her to be like her but because I didn't end up like her, won't end up like her and because I loved her no matter what she did or who she was.
I know she sees me and knows I'm happy. Today those are things I'm going to have to tell myself over and over and over again....

Baby Crib!

2008-08-23T23:10:00.003-04:00

Up and ready for baby! Yayyy! Don't worry, that blanket will not be staying in there, my mom keeps putting this little baby doll in there and pretending it's Lilah.... can ya tell she's excited?

Possibly the Most Profound Book I've Ever Read...

2008-08-23T14:12:00.002-04:00

Over breakfast (amazing Le Peep french toast to be exact) a friend told me about this book. Both of us had been raised in a similar religious environment. Basically we grew up in traditionally baptist/religious homes steeped in tradition, rules and regulations, and above all else, guilt.

She recommended that I read this book, that is had affected her on such a profound level and had introduced ways of rediscovering what a relationship with God really means, one that is in many ways completely opposite of what we were taught growing up. I'll be honest, it's an amazing book, incredibly sad in some parts (I definitely cried) and eye-opening in every sense of the word. I'd recommend it to every single person I know.

So if you want to borrow my copy just let me know!

Partial Bedrest and All That Fun Stuff...

2008-08-20T23:53:00.002-04:00

I woke up today with my mom shaking me saying, "Get on the scale you're huge!!!"

Now normally, I would say, "Oh my gosh I'm pregnant of course I'm huge, leave me alone!" But yesterday at my Dr. appt he noticed an elevated blood pressure and additional swelling which are early warning signs of toxemia, or preeclampsia. These big words basically mean your veins are constricting and keeping your internal organs from receiving the proper amount of blood/hydration. This can be bad for pregnancy, meaning if the blood pressure gets too high and the organs get to dehydrated they would take the baby early. Yesterday, I was just showing early possible signs so we decided to take it easier and keep an eye on it. So when I woke up to, "You're huge!", it wasn't a good thing. Especially after resting all night, your blood pressure and swelling should be low, but I woke up looking like the female twin of Jabba the Hut, you know the giant fat slug in Star Wars that Princess Leia is chained to in the metal bikini? That was totally my legs and hands and elbows. So I called the Dr. and they told me to come in for bloodwork and such. I managed to waddle in cringing, the swelling is causing the nerves in my extremities to hurt even more. I had an even higher blood pressure and protein in the urine sample so they sent my blood to the lab to see if I should be hospitalized today. Luckily my liver function, etc. looked really good so I was able to stay home. So I am now on partial bedrest. You may think, ' How wonderful! Bedrest!' , but it's my ultimate nightmare. I'm lucky I'm only on partial. My biggest fear is boredom. Tomorrow I'm heading to the library to stock up on reading materials. I'm going to need it. Plus I will probably drive my family nuts. But it's too early to deliver and we want to keep my BP low, so I'm going to do as he asks and sit my butt down for the majority of every day. But... the likelihood of me being induced early is looking better and better every day. So, we could have a baby in the house a little sooner than expected. On a side note, my Dad almost finished the baby's new hardwood floor today he was so scared I'd have to be induced :) Not bad for hurrying the process up. More to come! If you have any questions on preeclampsia, here's the webMD link http://www.webmd.com/baby/guide/preeclampsia-eclampsia

Oh and if you have any ideas to relieve boredom pleaseeeeee let me know!

Joint Pain and Omega-3's

2008-08-13T12:56:00.003-04:00

http://www.naturalnews.com/003019.html

I have been waking up the past few days with incredible joint pain. I thought it was just me getting heavier and more weight being distributed on my aching body. I was wrong. I called my ob-gyn to ask if this was normal and he said no, he would assume I had a viral or bacterial infection similar to the flu that gave me the achiness. Well, I am not a big fan of taking antibiotics, especially when they said "We have no idea what is causing it." So I called my chiropractor and asked if they knew other reasons or if they would agree with something viral that would typically run its course.
The first thing they asked me was if I was intaking enough good fat in my diet. Good fat? I was stunned. They asked me what kinds of animal protein I was taking in, specifically how much fish. I told them I had cut out fish because of the mercury levels during my pregnancy. They asked me if I was taking an omega-3 supplement, which is a pill form of the nutrients in fish and other animal protein. You are recommended to have 30% of your diet in good fat form. I hadn't even thought of the studies on omega-3's and joint pain.
Then I started thinking.... before I became pregnant, I lived in Florida and the main source of my protein in my diet was fresh fish and other seafood. Then I cut it completely and really never increased the protein in my diet. I mean, I eat meat sometimes, but I am not a huge fan of heavy red meat, which we don't eat a lot of in the house to begin with due to my mom's high blood pressure and bad cholesterol. Onto chicken, there is only so much chicken a Midwestern girl can take. I can spice it, mix it, season it, but hey it's still chicken and many times I just don't eat it.
I guess it is definitely something to think about. I'm going to try the nutritional approach first and forgo the meds considering they told me straight up they most likely won't have any effect to begin with.

Pregnant and Going Public!

2008-08-13T12:32:00.002-04:00

I don't have the pictures to prove it... yet, but I will!

I posed naked. Yep. 8 months pregnant. Ok, ok, stop screaming already (that's for you family). Everything was creatively covered.. or edited out haha. I'll explain.

I grew up with my good friend Carrie since about first grade. We used to sit by each other and I would kick over her little trash can full of markers. (So she says) Obviously, we stayed friends even through my obnoxiousness. She is now one of the greatest photographers I have ever known and I am desperately jealous of her eye for bringing out that something special in every shot. I've done quite a bit of work with her and every photograph she takes makes me look better than I really am. Which rocks :) I highly recommend you check out her website http://www.everafterlove.com. She is now strictly a wedding and engagement photographer, but her partner Ona Sidlinger specializes in expecting and baby photography. You can see her work at http://www.onastudio.com. They are not only partners, but family and obviously talent runs in theirs. Carrie and Ona convinced me to drop my maternity clothes and bring some attention to my very pregnant body. I have to say, it was so much fun! Don't worry, I'm not planning on making a career out of getting naked. The pictures are beautiful from what I could tell from the tiny screen behind the camera, but I'll know for sure tomorrow at the viewing. They really went all out with a very Victorian-esque look. Me draped on couches or in blankets, it reminded me a lot of statuary you would see. Very romantic with the warm reds and golds of the backgrounds and the softness of the lighting. And very maternal, the belly is definitely the focal point in all of the photos. It took a little getting used to the extra weight in the pictures, but they were even able to make me incredibly happy with all of them. I wanted something beautiful to remember my pregnancy which honestly at times was not always beautiful. They totally delivered! I would highly recommend either of them for all your photography... at least check out their portfolios, they're amazing!

Canning......and More Canning!

2008-07-29T12:58:00.003-04:00

Canning season is officially in full swing! My one cucumber plant has apparently mutated into the most productive plant ever. I'm serious! This picture shows the cucumbers I picked after only 3 days! Not only are they growing faster than I can believe, there are literally tons of them everywhere. Not that I'm complaining! I am going through garlic and dill so fast it's unbelievable. I have about 20 quarts of pickles already sealed in jars, and that is even before I took this picture.... and before I go back on Wednesday to pick even more! I do have a few jalapeños that I am going to try a little experiment with. I want to try making some Hot Pickles this season. I'm going to slice up some jalapeños and stick them in a couple jars of dill pickles. We'll see! Hopefully I don't burn anyone that tries them up. There are a ton of Roma tomatoes that are green and will soon be ready for salsa. I'm going to tweak my recipe a bit this year. I'm not using chili peppers for one, and I'm going to add a bit more cilantro. I'm so excited that everything is going so well though. I did lose a lot of plants due to bad weather and the dang dog, but what I do have left is doing well. I'll keep you informed! If any of you are having issues this year with your gardens let me know! My peppers are stunted for some reason... I didn't know if it was a fluke or something I did wrong. I'm going to start looking into a place at the farmers market. If anyone has any info on that let me know as well!

The Best Baby Shower!

2008-07-25T15:53:00.004-04:00

I loved my baby shower! I managed to get my pregnant self into a bikini and cover up and still look semi-decent and made my way to my mom's friends house where it was being hosted. My little sister and her best friend did most of the organizing and did a fantastic job! I got there and there is this huge banner that says Coming Soon... Lilah with her sonogram picture on it. Soooo cute! Of course everything was decked out in pink and duckies even duckies were floating in the pool. The greatest thing about the shower though, was my friends and family who came to it. I had so many of both show up and share their advice and love for Lilah. Estelle flew in from Florida and got the gift for traveling the farthest, Danelle got the gift for knowing me the best through this quiz about my favorite things with my cousin Kelli coming in second. The food was great and mostly healthy. My organic cucumbers showed up on cucumber sandwiches, fruits, veggies, raw veggie pizza (my favorite!) and of course cocktails. We had mimosas and virgin ones for me and my cousin Jayna who also helped with the shower. As for gifts, I was incredibly spoiled! My child apparently will be too. Tons of adorable clothes, the basics I really needed and a few surprises. My crib and mattress came thanks to m grandparents, aunts and uncles! And the big surprise a Coach diaper bag from my mom. Definitely was not expecting this, but knowing my Coach bag obsession, I was happy to get it as you can see in the first picture. I'm 30 weeks pregnant right now and counting down... and getting more excited every day!

Getting Ready for Visitors...

2008-07-16T13:30:00.004-04:00

Today is my last day of work this week before the baby shower weekend begins! Tomorrow I fully plan on laying out at the lake all day long and working on the belly tan :)
I am so excited that Estelle will be flying in Friday for the weekend. It will be nice to lay around act crazy and be with someone as bluntly honest as I am. I'm finally realizing how much I miss her, and miss having her throughout my pregnancy. I have been lucky though to have close friends here too, however.
I had a hard conversation recently with Lilah's father that really got to me. I'm not going to go into it, it's a bit personal for the blog, and I know how odd that sounds coming from me! But it really just opened my eyes to the situation a little more. I guess I just have to realize that he isn't going to feel the same about her as I do. As much as I hope more and more that maybe he would change, that's not going to happen. It's not his fault or mine, it's just fact. I am lucky enough to be intimately connected to her. He doesn't have anything, so why should I expect him to feel any sort of attachment or bond to something he didn't want to happen to begin with? And something he can't see, feel, hear? And that may never change.... and I won't know until a long while after she is born. I don't know how that makes me feel. Out of my element I suppose. I like being in control, not a big surprise to anyone who knows me, and I'm definitely not in control on this. I have no say, and I don't even know what I would want if I had the choice. I want what is best for Lilah, and I don't even know what that is yet. Maybe it will come to me later....
I guess I will have to figure out later on how to deal with the questions she will have.
Who is my father? Why is he not here? Why did you leave? Why didn't he want me to stay?
I know I have time until I have to answer those... but it still kills me that it will ever happen.
As for right now, I'm going to focus on looking forward to telling her what I do know. Why she's the best thing to ever happen to me, how I love her, how everyone loves her, how she saved my life and how I am so excited to be her mommy. Single and all.

I Picked Up The Brush!

2008-07-09T22:39:00.005-04:00

Lilah's room is finally painted! I bought the paint earlier this week and today I had a day off and decided to tackle it. I decided against using stencils, grabbed a pencil and just went at it! Considering I can hardly draw stick people most of the time, this has to be some sort of miracle that the room turned out EXACTLY how I wanted it to look. Very bugs life meets jungle. As you can see, I have documented on my camera phone (sorry about the bad quality) how it progressed. The last is my family! Me at 28 weeks pregnant, and Dexter my little boy :) As you can see he is very curious as to why Mommy is so weirdly round. He is also a big spooner and has been moved a bit farther away due to expanding belly and now sleeps at the foot of the bed. But he does like to lay his head on m belly when I read, I hope he's as excited as I am about meeting Lilah!
I am happy to finally have this completed and ready for the furniture to come, which someone in my family has hopefully purchased for my baby shower next week!
You know what? It was so much fun!

Keeping Track of Baby

2008-07-05T10:15:00.000-04:00

I love these little tickers.

My First Scare of My Pregnancy

2008-07-04T10:14:00.002-04:00

I went to work as usual yesterday morning. I had noticed less activity from Lilah the night before and yesterday morning. Whereas normally she is incredibly active I was only feeling smaller lighter movements and not as often. I know this is a bad sign so I was going to call my Dr. right after work and see what he wanted me to do. That didn't happen, I started cramping up at work and having sharp pains in my lower right side of my stomach. I finished the tables I had been working and told my managers I had to go right away. My mom came to my work and took me to the Dr. I don't think I've ever been that scared. I'm only getting ready to hit the 28 week mark and everything has gone so smoothly lately, I kept feeling like I was waiting for the ax to drop.... I know that sounds terible but with some parts of my life that is exactly what happened.
Good news though, Lilah looked great in the sonogram, the lessening of her movements could have been caused by her shifting positions. I also got to see that she has really long toes and the second one is longer than the first... definitely not something she got from my stubby toes! My little sister has them though, and it was hilarious to see the resemblance. As for the pain it continued on and off the rest of the day.
They said I could have just overdone it and they may have been mild contractions. After an exam they said everything looked normal, nothing was changing so just to go get in bed and drink tons of water which I did.
I don't know what I would do if I started having problems in my pregnancy. I know that I have been so blessed these last 4 months with great energy and health and want to make sure to protect that. I'm supposed to keep an eye on myself at work the next few days and if I start having pains again I need to cut my working hours. Which I will just have to do if it is necessary. After all, it's just money right?

It's All Gonna Be Worth It In The End...

2008-06-27T21:31:00.002-04:00

Isn't that a phrase we hear a lot as pregnant women? It will all be worth it in the end....
You're alone? It'll all be worth it in the end. No job? It'll all be worth it in the end. Sick every day? It'll all be worth it in the end. Lonely? Exhausted? Sore? It will all be worth it in the end.

I disagree. I think we make it worth it in the end. I think that every day that we choose to be mothers whether it was planned or not, we choose for it to be worth it in the end. I think that every day we wake up, work for hours, backs aching, feet swollen, hormones raging, we choose to make it worth it in the end.

Now this is not just some epiphany that I came to today. Actually I was just contemplating some things regarding my situation while laying on the couch. I worked again today, and although it's fairly easy to go back to waiting tables once you've done it for so long, it kicks my ass. Honestly. Balancing 10 tables of people, their orders, their drinks, their plates of food, their dirty dishes, their checks, their payments and all at their timing.... I mean, honestly, it's hard. It gets harder when you have a few extra pounds hanging off the front of you and 90% of the time you are concentrating on staying on your feet with an incredibly slippery floor and arms full of heavy dishes. At the end of the day or night I just have to shut off. It's either around 4 pm or 1 am and I just kick off the shoes, the clothes that smell like food and lay there. I've been working at 150% for so long that I can't just switch off, so I get some thinking time in.

And you know what I end up thinking last before I fall asleep?
I'm making it worth it in the end.

Back to Work!

2008-06-25T14:43:00.002-04:00

Last night I went back to work at Bar Louie in Peoria. I'm waiting tables until I'm too big to do so. I really need the money and I need to get out of the house. I'm having a hard time feeling independent which is really important to me, so having more of an income and a job will help with that. It's hard work and my feet and back are a bit sore, but I love being around all the people and I'm good at it.
One of the servers I knew from the restaurant had a baby two weeks ago and came in for dinner with her husband and other kids. Two weeks! She doesn't look like she was pregnant at all and she didn't even look tired. Apparently she is supermom. Her little boy was so tiny and adorable. I'm getting really excited to meet mine. We are working on the baby's room right now. I'm taking over the painting in order to do some stencil work. I'll upload pictures when I'm done and you can tell me what you think.
Well, I am going to take an hour nap before I have to get ready for work and eat something before I have to serve food all night.

6.5 Months Pregnant... at 11,000 feet!

2008-06-21T20:08:00.005-04:00

I just got home from my last pre-baby vacation. It was amazing! I already loved Colorado, but this trip sealed the deal. I even surprised myself with my energy levels. I mean, this picture says it all. I was hiking up a mountain sitting on a ledge overlooking Colorado, the river and train below, the Rockies in the foreground.... how much more amazing of a view can you get? Well, I got those too. I was able to travel a bit around the state with Ty since he was working. On the way to Grand Junction, (which happened to have a great artsy downtown scene of shops and restaurants) we stopped at Hanging Lake. I managed to hike up 1.2 miles with a 1000+ ft incline to see some of the most amazing views. A lake and waterfall suspended in the air near the top of the canyon. It was completely worth the exhaustion! Click here to see or read a little more about the spot, I would definitely recommend it!
While in Grand Junction I went to the Colorado National Monument, which showed me a completely different view of the state. So far I had scene snow-covered mountains, grassy hills, great canyons and trails, and now I find desert with jutting ledges.
This section is called Independence Point I believe... which was very symbolic to me during my pregnancy and transition to single-mommyhood.
I am so lucky to have such great friends to make these trips possible and memorable. And such great family to help me out during this whole life experience.

My advice on being pregnant in the mountains for your last pre-baby vacation? Drink tons of water, hike as much as possible with an adorable man, and eat as much Mexican food as physically possible! Ahhhhhhhh!

Since I'm Still On the Soapbox and All...

2008-06-08T16:35:00.003-04:00

This is for you mommy's and daddy's out there, (I know that even though my baby is lucky enough to have enough love given by just a mommy, daddy's do exist) I am going to go ahead and post what I heard of and taught my aunt in Chicago. If I remember correctly.... I think I learned this from Jen.. Jen, you read this blog I know, you'll have to let me know if I did get this from you originally and if I'm doing it justice...

This started out as a way to just save money, but has developed into something that dramatically helps start our children on a healthy path of eating. I learned how to make home-made, home-grown baby food.... DO NOT GET NERVOUS THINKING YOU CANNOT DO THIS! If you don't have the time or the green thumb to grow your own, buy organic and do it at home and it still saves you a bundle. I recommend taking a Saturday or Sunday and not planning anything for a few hours if possible.
Take the veggies you bought and steam or bake them. For fruits I simply pureed.
After that, throw them in a blender and puree.
After that, pour them into ice cube trays. Yes the old school ice cube trays. Why? Because every one is a perfect portion for baby!
Remember to label when and what you made, this makes it a little easier to remember about when you need to do these again, and also helps to see how fast you are going through which flavors. For those of you who like facts, you can compare how much money you are saving from your baby-food buying friends.
You can pop the cubes out and put each one in a plastic baggy if you want. When you need to feed your baby, just pop one in the microwave, or if you are anti-microwave then heat on the stovetop.
Let me tell you, the money saved is worth it alone. Taking a few hours one day and having baby food for a month is worth it! You know what's going into it, you know what is not (preservatives, additives, color #whatevers,) and you know that you are taking the first step to guiding your child to make healthy responsible decisions for their own health later. Hopefully my daughter will ask me how I did it, and I can teach her for her own.
Some great foods to make:
Fruit- Bananas, and remember you can cook these if you want, pears, peaches, apples...
Veggies - Acorn squash, pumpkin, green beans, peas, sweet potatoes, and non-cooked avocado (which can be fed to younger babies along the same time as introducing fruits).

One other helpful tidbit, when the ingredients are narrowed down like this, it's easy to tell what exactly your baby may have allergies to... you know when things are actually dairy-free, or gluten free, or if it's simply the veggies that your baby can't stomach for some reason.

Go ahead and google the idea, it's definitely not mine to claim, there are thousands of websites with recipes and help for those picky babies that we still want to be healthy.

Pesticides in Produce - A Warning for Pregnant Women and Everyone Else!

2008-06-07T19:23:00.003-04:00

I have been pretty health conscious, obviously in between bouts of pregnancy cravings leading me into all sorts of Mexican restaurants. Because I choose to buy organic as much as possible, I wanted to research a little more about it. There are so many illnesses, diseases and conditions linked with the chemicals that are sprayed on our produce. I know that in Illinois, buying organic is a lot more expensive that when I was in Florida. Because of this I have had to focus on either growing my own or choosing the lesser of two evils. I have a great website that shows the levels of pesticides on various types of produce. When it comes down to the worst offenders, I choose organic, but when it comes down to the produce lower on the list, if I'm strapped for cash, which is a lot... I will break down and buy regular.. and wash wash wash!
Environmental Working Group Produce Guide

I'm tired of just typing! I want some reader response... if anyone has any thoughts, ideas, bits of advice please comment! I love to hear what everyone thinks, and see any info that anyone else has!

Not One of the Best Days

2008-06-04T17:42:00.003-04:00

I'm not even going to get into all of it, but I woke up and was not having the best of days. I couldn't really sleep last night, just going over some things in my head, you know me... and there were terrible thunderstorms all night long. I normally love storms, but I guess because of the mood I was already in plus the loud thunder constantly rattling the house, I couldn't sleep. The morning was pretty much the same. But, I decided to get out of the house and go garden and run a few errands. Errands done, I made it to the garden and what do you know, but the neighbor's dang dog got out of the house again. It came barrelling over through my growing veggies, almost knocks over my great-grandmother who has just now gotten back to walking after broken bones from a fall, races past my grandfather and cousin Mike and to me. I started waving it away and that dog lunged at me and tried to bite my hands. I lost it. I completely had a massive Talia meltdown... one I haven't had in a while. It's like all of the crap I was dealing with just flew out of me and I ran after that dog screaming at the top of my lungs and I chased it into its yard until I was over top of it and it finally just laid on the ground. I screamed like a serial killer, not like a victim. I was scary. I was shaking once it was over. I think I even scared my grandparents a little. One of the owner's daughters grabbed the dog and tried to get it inside, and that dog bit her repeatedly, although not hard enough to draw blood, but hard enough for her to drop that dog a few times before getting it back inside the house. That was it. My great-grandfather shouldn't need to carry a pitchfork in his 90-year-old hands to protect himself in his own yard. I love dogs, but this was enough. I called the town hall to see what they wanted me to do to file a complaint. Turns out, I had to call animal control and report it. I just couldn't deal with it anymore. No way am I going to be scared of falling over and being bitten and possibly miscarrying, and I'm not going to visit my grandmother in the hospital for more broken bones from being knocked over by a vicious dog. I am tired of people not having common sense or even common courtesy. If they lose their dog, they should have trained it not to bite people. I'm done with the situation.

My First Public Unwed Mother Criticism!

2008-06-03T21:58:00.002-04:00

I got locked out of the house today. That wasn't really the bad part, the bad part was that I was racing home because I had to pee.... like reallllly bad. I almost considered climbing in a window, but knowing my luck, I'd fall. So I drove (flew) down to the Dollar General to waste time and, more importantly, pee, while waiting for Mom to get home to let me in the house. I was wandering the isles just picking up little things I remembered I was out of and an ultra-ring wing conservative, looked like traditional Apostolic woman, bun and all came walking by with her children. The oldest girl with her whispered fairly loudly an observation.... "She is pregnant.... and isn't wearing a wedding ring." I smiled when I heard her. Apparently her mother decided now was a good time to teach her, and apparently myself, a lesson. She replied not 3 feet away from me in a loud voice, "Some people are just immature and naive and have no idea what they have gotten themselves into."

I have never been so proud of myself.. and frankly of being a single mother.. than that moment. I turned to her, head up, proudly smiled and laid a hand on my stomach, the ringless hand. And I stood exactly like that, calm and proud until she looked away and shoved her kids down the isle.

I realized... I am proud to be me. I am proud of who I am and what I am doing and how strong this makes me. I am not naive, I am fully aware of the challenges that face me but I am also absolutely sure that the God she thinks is ashamed of me is proud of me too. She is the naive one, to assume that because I wear no wedding ring, that I am clueless. I smiled the whole way home, happy that I wasn't so unhappy that I had to publicly try to embarrass someone in order to feel my own worth. I smiled because today, I did the right thing, that these past 6 months, I've continually made the right decisions... to take care of myself, to take care of my baby and to do it with my head held high and a smile on my face.

In the Rear View...

2008-06-02T01:48:00.002-04:00

Ok, I lost my temper. I will admit. But let me explain.

This week there was a terrible story in the news about a famous Christian music star's family. His teenage son ran over and killed his little sister in their driveway. He simply wasn't looking. Traumatic accident that could probably have been avoided in my opinion.

Today I was relaxing and reading a book by the window when I heard my little sister and her boyfriend hop into her car and gas into reverse as usual down our drive.... only this time my car was 4 feet behind hers and apparently she didn't think to look behind her.

She ran smack into my car. Rammed really. I screamed out the window went flying outside. First of all I cannot afford to repair damage to my car right now. With inflated health insurance, bills, and gas prices all raising like floodwaters I simply can't. I ran outside and got screamed at by my sister for overreacting since "there wasn't any damage." My mom heard me scream and ran outside. I went back inside and lost my temper. When my Mom told me to relax I flipped. All I could think was how do you miss an entire car 4 feet behind your car. It's visible when you are walking to the car, from any of the mirrors you should be looking out of when you are backing out of a driveway... and the worst.... all I could think of is in a year that could have been my child behind that car. I saw it as plain irresponsibility followed by anger that I was upset when nothing was actually wrong with the car. In my mind it wasn't the damage that was the problem it was the obviousness of the problem and the refusal to apologize and admit to the stupid mistake and agree that it could have been a lot worse.
As for that apology? I may as well not hold my breath...

It's a Nice Day for a White Wedding...

2008-05-27T15:10:00.004-04:00

Growing up in Glasford was always an experience. Mostly because I had family on practically every street corner. My cousin Cody is actually more like my brother. He lived a block over all our lives and we went to school together forever. This weekend he got married. It was a beautiful outdoor wedding at his bride's parents' house and for once the weather in May cooperated. The bride's father performed the ceremony and even though both are very young, everyone knew they were happy and in love. Here's to young love!

It was my first time out being as pregnant as I was around people I haven't seen in a while. Lots of comments on the belly and luckily few questions about the circumstances. One of my best friends, Ty, came as my date and we were seriously adorable if I may say so myself, and I had a great time with him and the rest of my family. It was nice to all get together... which is one thing I missed while living in Florida.

The weekend went by way too fast, but every minute was great. Cookouts with Ty's family, hanging out all night in the backyard with mine, and 80 degree days in Illinois were spectacular. I can't wait til summer really sets in!

Halfway There and Growing Fast!

2008-05-22T22:49:00.002-04:00

Well... there I am 21 weeks pregnant. More than growing out this week, I'm growing around. So I decided a full frontal would best show how big I'm getting! It seems like every day theres another inch of belly preceding my every move.

It's funny. I have embraced the belly. I love the belly. I am totally showing off the belly. I feel like those weird fat old men who walk around rubbing their bellies. At least mine has a little person in it!

I HATE SPIDERS!

2008-05-16T02:21:00.003-04:00

I was sitting in my little recliner in my basement apartment, minding my own business, on the computer critiquing a friends stories that were broadcast at his TV news station this week... and I almost died.

Seriously.

Well, maybe not seriously, but I wanted to... a little.

I saw something move, no WADDLE, across the floor in the laundry room connected to my bedroom.. yes MY BEDROOM WHERE I SLEEP! It was a spider. Not one of those aw look a tiny spider. I honest to God thought it was a really slow mouse at first.

THANK GOD it was slow. I knew I couldn't let it waddle its mouse sized body into my pile of laundry only to sneak attack my poor phobic soul later, so I ran over and rolled the rocking chair onto it.

IT EXPLODED! The thing didn't even just squish, I had to actually push the dang rocking chair onto it and it exploded and sprayed spider guts all over the floor. I am not even kidding, although I seriously wish I was. I ran upstairs about had a panic attack, the first since being pregnant. And babbled in phobic panic speak to my mother to get her butt downstairs and witness this twisted mass of mutant spider. She admitted it was the largest she'd ever seen in our home and said it probably came out of the drain when it overflowed after my mother tried to unclog it. The actual drain from which nasty water, and apparently spider, poured through the floor onto my head only a few hours earlier.

I'm going to have spider dreams, I know it. And they're going to be crawling all over myself and my newborn. If I wasn't pregnant I'd be taking a double dose of Tylenol pm and going comatose.

My First Mother's Day!

2008-05-12T00:35:00.003-04:00

It may have been rainy and windy, but I eventually got what I wanted... a few rays of sunshine late in the day.

This morning I got up, made oatmeal and hot tea and got my first Mother's Day card, from my Dad. It was really cute and he signed it Pa Pa, which is apparently what he wants to be called :)

Next my Mom came down and chatted with me in my little basement apartment for a bit and gave me her card. We discussed the gardenias the Lilah's father sent me the day before.... and I made a good effort to enjoy them. We decided our plans to work all day in the yard were shot, so she headed to Starbucks and I headed to the shower. I met her at Starbucks and we got some time to sit and talk about life and things she felt guilty over as a mother, things that were easy and hard for her when she became a mother. It was great. And I ate blueberry coffeecake. Mmmmmm. And a decaf skinny vanilla latte.

We met up with my little sister and our cousin, who is Mom's first cousin and went to see a movie. We laughed, ate too much popcorn and went home to be lazy and enjoy the day.

I wouldn't have changed a thing :)

Planting Complete... Now if the Dang Rabbits Would Stay Out!

2008-05-05T22:53:00.003-04:00

Today was absolutely beautiful outside. The sun was shining, there were hardly any clouds, it was so warm I almost felt like it was late winter in Florida :)
I started off the day at my BodyFlow class. I love that class. Yoga, Tai Chi and Pilates. The perfect way to start my day. I headed off to the library to pick up some sappy romance novels and more pregnancy books including some alternative birthing method books just to do some research.
After that I headed out to the great-grandparents and spent the whole day planting the garden and cutting wire fencing to roll around the new plants to try to keep the rabbits out. Last year my grandparents lost all of their green bean plants to those dang things and I hope they stay out this year! That is just what I need, my first year profiting off of my veggies and they're eaten before I can sell them! Here's to hoping!

The Worst Parents Ever... and the Weirdest Week Ever

2008-05-04T22:28:00.002-04:00

My mom convinced me yesterday to go out to see a movie. She said I was lame because I didn't want to go to a movie.... so I went. Then she refused to see the movie I wanted and we saw Iron Man instead. It was really good actually, but on to the Worst Parents Ever. There was a couple in front of us in the theater with a small child. The little girl looked to be about 6 years old maybe, if not younger. First of all I kind of wondered what they had a little girl that age there at a PG-13 movie to begin with but whatever... it was about a super hero. During the previews, while listening to them snack on their separate tubs of buttery popcorn and slurp their enormous drinks that I don't know why they were eating and drinking in the first place they were so obese... their little girl got scared. There was a horror movie preview that even I was jumping out of my seat during. The little girl obviously was scared, almost crying and telling her parents.... who completely ignored her. They didn't even look at her. I mean this little girl is crying in her booster seat. She eventually stopped when the movie started. During all the sexual jokes, half naked women, drunkenness they ignored their little girl and let her watch it all. The movie is quite long and me being pregnant, I was dying to run off to the bathroom and was about to when the little girl told her mother that she has to go potty. Her mom ignored her. She asked a few more times. Her parents ignored her. She started hopping off of her booster seat and whining that she really really had to go. They shushed her and told her to be quiet and she eventually did. I almost cried, I mean my eyes were filled with tears. Yes for something so simple, but still, little girls have to go to the bathroom in the middle of over two hour movies, hell I did! And as a parent you are responsible for taking your little girl to the dang bathroom. I mean I wanted to dive over the seat in front of me and strangle those obese parental nightmares. That poor little girl.

On another odd note about my week. Lilah's father got in contact with me. Yes, after all this time since I moved. He is determined to be a father and actually said he wanted to be their for her birth and for the paternity test. I don't know how I feel about all this. I first of all have a hard time believing in any of this and secondly I don't want him there at the hospital. The amount of stress I am already under, the stress of labor is enough, I simply cannot deal with him being there as well. I was happy doing this on my own, I don't want this. I don't know how to deal with this. I don't trust many people and I don't trust him... how am I to trust him to be a decent father? And do I have a choice? It's tearing me apart...

18 Weeks and Counting!

2008-04-28T10:25:00.003-04:00

I am 18 weeks pregnant today! This pictures was taken after I managed to hike up Kennesaw Mountain in Georgia just a few days ago. I am really trying to work out and keep healthy during this pregnancy. Now people are constantly looking at me and wondering if I am just weirdly stomach-fat, or if I am actually pregnant. I have gottena few great comments from women randomly, in a hotel lobby/ in a Publix about what a cute pregnant woman I am! That completely made my day. As for the Mountain, I made it up and felt like I could do the whole thing over again, which is a huge step up in my energy levels. I feel like I am finally getting back to my work starved self. Hopefully soon I'll start working outside of the home and can get some of that energy out. As for right now, I'm taking Yoga and Pilates as well as a class combining the two practices with Tai Chi.

Either this afternoon or tomorrow I will be planting in the garden. I'll keep you posted with pictures of how my garden is growing. I am so happy it's finally feeling a bit more like Spring!

Funny Side Note: I went and saw Baby Moma yesterday. HILARIOUS! I don't think I've laughed that hard in a movie in a while.

IT'S A GIRL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-04-21T23:44:00.004-04:00

It's a GIRL!!!!!
Her name is Lilah Pate, and I have decided to keep the middle name a bit of a secret until she is born. She looks perfect, brain and all other organs good, all her fingers and toes! The 4-D sonogram to the left shows her hands up by her ears and her all curled up. I have video too, it was amazing! I can feel her rolling and pushing against me now. It was funny to see her pushing her feet out against me and realizing that is what I was feeling! I am so excited to be having a little girl!

Also I have to thank my 11 year old cousin Isabelle for naming her! Right while her mom, my Aunt Arleta was doing my sonogram, while my grandparents and parents watched as well, she said what about Lilah? And I knew it was her name. I hadn't found a single girl name that I liked and instantly I knew it was the one.

I can completely imagine her toddling around behind me barefoot in my garden with my boxer Dexter probably digging up my tomatoes....

It's so amazing to know she's healthy and growing so fast, and soon I'll be able to meet her...

Baby's First Earthquake!

2008-04-19T01:13:00.002-04:00

Well, I woke up this morning to quite the shock, everything on my night stands and on my walls were shaking! There are two glass plates on my wall next to the bed on a metal frame and the clattering was the main reason I woke up. The next thing had to be my bed shaking, my windows shaking and sliding shut and my water bottle falling to the floor from beside me. It was 4:30 am and we had a 5.2 earthquake, not too large but definitely noticeable and strange for living in Illinois! There were a few aftershocks throughout the morning, no damage really, so all was good. It was the most excitement I've had in a little while.... sad haha.

Other than that, good news I think! One of my mother's friends owns a bakery and she asked if I would be interested in working for her while searching for a career type job. First of all, I am a total foodie and I would love to get into that bakery and see how things are done. Secondly she asked if I had considered thinking about selling my pickles and salsas at the shop or at the farmers market booth the bakery does every weekend. YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I will be meeting with her and her husband and discussing working there and seeing what I'd be doing. Hopefully if all goes well, they like me, and I like the place I'll soon be back to working. I never thought I would be excited to get back to the grind, but I definitely am!

Looks like Great Grandma's Garden may actually launch!

Of Jobs & Gyms

2008-04-15T21:27:00.002-04:00

I just want to make something clear. I HATE JOB HUNTING! AHHHHH!!
Ok, now that I got that out..

I got a gym membership! It was a gift from of my closest friends, honestly the one who has meant the most to me through this process, being there for me and supporting me and distracting me when I needed it! He felt that since I spend way to much at my house since I'm just searching for a job and hating the weather I needed to find another way to release some of that stress. I think it's a great idea. I'm going tomorrow to finish signing the paperwork and then to work out. I haven't worked out since Florida. I can't do as much as I did before I was pregnant but there is still alot I am able to do. Plus, it's not outside in the dreary cold and rain!

Another good thing, I'm starting on the garden tomorrow evening. Things are starting to finally dry out and my seedlings are all looking pretty good! Everything has sprouted ahead of schedule except the bell peppers. The cucumbers especially are growing like crazy, so there will be no shortage of pickles!
Last but not least I leave for Atlanta Saturday. FINALLY! I find out if it's a boy or girl! I'll be sure to post the sonogram picture as soon as I can. Yay! Finally able to start figuring out names!
Also, Grandpa and Dad are going to Gainesville to get all my clothes and furniture. It will be nice to have more than PJ pants and button up shirts (thanks to my horrible packing skills.)

Angry Mommy

2008-04-12T02:11:00.002-04:00

I know that all the books, everyone including my Dr. says I will act like a psycho for parts of my pregnancy. I get all that, the hormones etc. I just can't help but think I'm way beyond crazy. I've got all the normal hormonal problems as other preggo's, but add a few tons of non-pregnancy issues into that and I'm a time-bomb with a short fuse. I mean, I cry. ALL THE TIME. I'm angry at everyone, but mainly at people or things that I cannot seem to get to go my way or the way I think things should be. I can't find a job I like, but I'm sending resumes out to anything that I can get. I hate being alone. I am a super social person. I hate staying in, I hate not being the life of the party, I hate that all of my friends are in Florida while I sit in my bed staring outside at the freezing rain. I hate it that very few of my friends understand why I'm crazy and can't cope so they leave. I hate it that I love being pregnant but as soon as I start enjoying it, something reminds me of some worry that I have... job...money...time...location...love....lack of. One thing that I have found irritating/interesting. My estimated date of conception is my older sister's birthday. She died when I was in high school and I still have a really hard time dealing. Yeah, yeah I know it's been long enough already, but it does. That night I drank about 2 bottles of wine to myself and just didn't want to be alone. Pretty ironic isn't it that thoughts like that could have possibly been the determining factor of me getting pregnant. At least, it has definitely helped me get over some of that issue. As for the other issues..... well they are still here and doing just fine. Don't get me wrong, I'm not this super angry hostile woman all the time. But I am sometimes and it's not really me. I feel like an alien took control of my body and is controlling everything including my emotions. And the worst part is that I just seem to feel incredibly hurt at the tiniest thing.... at someone reminding me I don't have a job... at someone not being able to make a visit... at someone reminding me how much I loved Florida and how I belonged there.... simple little stupid things that break my heart over and over.... maybe I just need a hobby.

My Colorado Trip

2008-04-03T14:12:00.002-04:00

Well, I'm on my last day in Denver. I have been lucky enough to spend some time here, in the mountains, in Estes Park at the Stanley Hotel (remember the Shining? The Stanley is the hotel it is written about. ) I don't think I've ever been somewhere so beautiful. I mean I love the oceans and the tropics, don't get me wrong, but there is something so humbling about being in a place so large and vast.

I spent the time adjusting to the weather which wasn't as bad as I thought. It helps when it's sunny and beautiful when it's cold. I got to play in the snow for the first time in years. I went to a Denver Nuggets basketball game. I got to stay in a haunted hotel, hike around a little, see a Chevelle show which was awesome. I ate some amaaaaazing Mexican food, and bought a necklace and earring set from a Colorado artisan. The baby got a little Colorado shirt and elk bib from Estes Park as his/her first gifts from "Uncle Ty."

I'm sad to leave, but I know I have so much to do when I get back to Illinois. The job search gets started, I need to get the garden on track and start working on the ideas for the baby room. One thing I can say for sure is this trip was desperately needed. I feel like a new person....

Belly Updates!

2008-03-24T13:05:00.003-04:00

Well, since I have actually lost weight since I got pregnant, I am beginning to show a little bit. Not noticeably. Only people who are really looking can tell, but I definitely have a little baby bump right under my belly button. It's exciting!! Basically right now I look normal with giant boobs, which I am certainly not complaining about :)
As for being sick, I'm still pretty miserable, and apparently Dexter either is having sympathy sickness or ate something bad because I was up all night with him while he was puking. I guess it's a tiny bit of practice for what's to come. I'm really hoping my sickness starts going away, I would really like to enjoy my second trimester, especially since the first week of it I will be vacationing in Colorado. No, I will not be snowboarding (I wish), even though I was told that they would "tie pillows all over my body!" I'm going to do some hiking, some laying around and basically just enjoying friends and the mountains. As for now here's a picture of the baby at about 8 weeks. Now it's 3 months along, and has all its fingers and toes and toenails :)

Great Old Friends...

2008-03-24T12:58:00.002-04:00

Today has been interesting to say the least... but not surprising. I knew that people would talk when I left, and that things would be misconstrued. Do you know what I think? Not my problem anymore. Not in the least. I have everything I need, and many things I want, and I'm looking forward to my adventure. I knew that when I left the people who weren't really my friends to begin with would love to grab onto the things that happened, talk about them in a ridiculous game of "telephone" until no one really knew what really happened. Obviously, that's how it works. But, it's not my problem anymore. I don't care. I'm not around to hear it. I love my new location and new life/old life. All I can say is... have fun talking. I've got bigger things to worry about.
:)

Getting Ready for Garden!

2008-03-22T10:11:00.002-04:00

I made it out to the tiny town I grew up in to inspect the family garden at my Great-Grandmothers house. Managed to speak as much as possible about the new great great grandchild that she should be expecting... which was hilarious considering they are in a state of denial that I'm NOT MARRIED and PREGNANT. Oh well, I'm sure I'll ramble on about it so much they'll be forced to acknowledge it's existence.

I was a lot more excited that I expected though. The garden looks pretty good, except probably needing some additional topsoil. I'm really looking forward to getting into my plants again. This year I'm only growing what I need for our family pickle recipes and my salsa recipes. I'm going to see about possibly selling at the local farmers markets this year... we'll have to see.

Things have been pretty slow, not that I'm really complaining. Slow is good, I feel a lot more rested, I'm not getting as sick (aka not puking 24 hours a day) and I'm not losing any more weight. Today the family is driving down from the City for Easter. I'm looking forward to seeing the kids and coloring eggs, jeez I can't remember the last time I did that.

The one horrible thing about being home... the WEATHER. It is literally grey outside. every single day. I almost can't see the backs of signs when I'm driving since they ARE THE SAME COLOR AS THE SKY. I try to stay inside as much as possible. Colorado will be a nice vacation for me. I leave in a week and I can't wait! I have actually bought socks and sweaters. Things I haven't needed in Florida for years :)

I'll keep you posted on my adventure until then.

Moving Mayhem... Curse Murphy's Law

2008-03-15T20:05:00.002-04:00

Ever heard of Murphy's law? To put it succinctly, it means whatever can go wrong will. And it explains my life right now.

Last night while in Atlanta, we were hit by a tornado. Seriously! I woke up to the craziest lightning and thunder ever then silence, then crashing hail. We (mom, myself, Dexter my boxer, aunt, uncle, cousin, chihuahua Stella) took cover in the first floor surrounded by even more windows trying to figure out how to all fit in the pantry. Luckily by the time we decided we were going to have to split up between pantry and bathroom it stopped. We turned on the news and Atlanta was in shambles. It hit the dome during a college basketball game and then random places across town. It honestly looked like a bomb went off. Windows were blown out of high rises and debris crashed down on cars, smashing them to bits.

Well we managed ok, so we left later in the morning. About 20 minutes then more storms.... this time while driving.

As soon as the rain stopped... we have a blow out. I swear. Luckily I have full coverage including roadside assistance. About an hour later, the people help then notify me my second tire is about to blow. Instead of checking the tires as I asked, the service place my car was in last week reversed the two front tires so the worn tread was on the inside, looking like there was nothing wrong with them like we thought after all. Explains the blowout. We unload car, have tire changed to donut, fill donut with air since it is also flat, drive to wal-mart which, of course, does not stock my tires. After driving across Lookout Mountain into a town that looks like Deliverance the movie set, I get shown to a neon yellow building covered in hub caps named We Got Wheels. Yet again, no lie. They sold me two used tires, put them on and 66 dollars and 20 minutes later I was on the road. There is something to be said about Southern hospitality even when it's delivered by 6 rednecks who had about 10 teeth between them all. I even managed to explain to them that no, I would not consider trading my dog for the tires. Poor Dexter knew something was wrong and couldn't wait to get back into his little backseat bed.

The rest of the drive was somewhat uneventful except the extremely tight cramped quarters and storms. Dexter is passed out on the chair in our suite. I'm relaxing trying to decide if I want to brave the millions of middle school aged boys who are all staying here for a soccer tournament to go find food. I may just take a nap. Who knows what else this trip has in store!

One of My New Favorites...

2008-03-12T13:38:00.000-04:00

...the most memorable concern of mankind
     is the guts it takes to
   face the sunlight again.

nerves from Burning in Water,
Drowning in Flame
by Charles Bukowski

I've Discovered the Perfect Birthing Plan!

2008-03-12T13:26:00.002-04:00

I found this website on accident while being extremely bored and I knew immediately it was the perfect plan :)
http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1359/1213357693_e6f2598530.jpg

Like a Thief in the Night...

2008-03-12T10:52:00.002-04:00

I'm happier, that is what strikes me as the most important fact about the past few days. I'm already feeling happier...

I moved. I moved in a day. I got my roommates to sign me off the lease, I asked for an interview at the Atlanta office of my workplace and I packed and stores most of my things and moved. I almost can't believe I did it.

Sometimes you forget about what yourself when you are pregnant. I know that sounds odd for some people, but for me it was definitely true. I forgot to think about what was best for me and the baby and started thinking about what others said what was best for me and the baby. I was trying to stay civil to a man who wanted nothing to do with me or the baby, trying to find a way to keep the biological father of my child in his/her life. Then suddenly it all made sense. It happened when we had an emergency in my apartment that made it unsafe for me and my mother to stay there. I humbled myself and called the father and begged for help. Hours later after saying yes, still no word. Yet again I found myself feeling stupid and embarrassed for even believing he would help.

Then he shows up to my apartment reeking of alcohol, he had stood me up when I was begging for help to go drink with friends. It all made sense. I was considering sharing a child with this person? I suddenly was filled with fear thinking what happened if the baby was sick and he never noticed or if he just walked away and left the baby alone, what could happen? There was no way in hell I was ever going to leave my baby in this person's care.

What is best for me is to move and eliminate this person from my life. It's to move back home to the safety and security of family at least until I find another job in a better location when I'm in a better state of mind. What is best for me is to stop trying to force something that was never meant to be.

From now on, I'm thinking about the baby, and me, and what is best not necessarily what I want. Surprisingly, with Gainesville in the back window of my car, slowing falling out of sight, I could smile again. I knew I had made the right decision and I knew it was going to be better.

Welcome to Single Mommyhood!

2008-03-08T17:40:00.004-05:00

Whether you are a single mommy yourself, know one, or just want to know what the life of one is like I hope you enjoy what's coming! I figure I'd let you in on my small world of single mommyhood. I know that every single mother's life is different, some better, some worse, some just plain different. Mine has its quirks, believe me, you'll come to know. Maybe I should fill you in...

I found out I was pregnant in a slightly awkward way... I was in the hospital for a bad anxiety attack (oh yes I thought I had issues before!) and they were running all those various tests that ER docs like to run so that our insurance bills are out of control. I had graciously been driven there by my EX boyfriend who happens to be one of the project managers at the company I have been working for. Oh yeah, it all started with an office romance....

Anyway... after being pumped full of sedatives that could knock out a horse, the Dr. walks in and says, "By the way, did you know that you're pregnant?" Seriously. Obviously he was out sick on bedside manner appreciation day.

When the ex walked in I was crying hysterically, holding onto a very uncomfortable Dr and bleeding out of my IV which my hysteria had then dislodged. All I heard from the ex at the door was "oh shit."

From that moment on my life changed. Before, I was the party girl to put it lightly. I came from the bar scene/club scene. I was a former bartender who still frequented the haunts and who still knew every face in the city. The next day I was alcohol and everything else unhealthy even caffeine free. Talk about a change. I remember people looking at me and talking to me and thinking I had become completely possessed.

Then came the chaos. First, since we had broken up, I had been sleeping with someone else. The someone else was my best friend's older brother. I know, very high school huh? So of course even though the dates and everything matched, OF COURSE the ex refused to believe it is his baby. My first thought was I'm never going to judge those people on Jerry Springer again.

Next came the money. Pre-natal vitamins, Dr visits, new pants (yes I was one of those lucky individuals who pootched out a bit early and couldn't quite get the top button buttoned anymore), food, sappy romance novels since my love life sucked, food, vitamins, you're getting the picture? Ok....

Next thing I knew, it was time for my first ultrasound. This is not one of those adorable moments when they put that thing on your stomach like in the movies. It looks like a horrible vibrator, not the good kind connected to a wire and a huge machine. The only advice I have for you new moms or those looking to be, get used to it. All of a sudden those areas you like only certain people to know well become high traffic areas.

Despite the crazy dildo/ultrasound wand what happened next was absolutely amazing. I saw my baby for the first time. It wasn't just a bill, a source of stress, a scary health problem. I saw the little bean it looked like and then... I saw the heart beating. 160 beats a minute of completely terrifying and shockingly endearing love. I fell in love on the spot. "Oh my god, that's my baby!" It's all I could say. I will never forget.

It made me forget the baby's father begging, screaming, demanding me to have an abortion. It made me forget every single person who thought it was their duty and right to tell me it was too hard for me to change my life and to either abort or give it up. It made me forget about being alone and cast aside for an ex girlfriend. All that mattered was that I was going to be a mother and I was going to make sure I was the best one I could ever imagine becoming.