I'm a little bit melancholy today. No, scratch that.... today is one of my least favorite days of the year. It was this Saturday night 9 years ago that my older sister died of a drug overdose that made it that way. I am really feeling the loss this year... some years are better than others.
This year, being pregnant with my first baby, I am remembering all of our conversations and times together all over again. The lunches at One World bitching about men and how we were going to grow old together as old maids, taking the dogs places, me getting suckered into helping her clean her house.... and the last conversation we ever had. She had been released to my house after a rather nasty suicide attempt, and fresh out of rehab. We were sitting on the concrete steps outside my old house in Glasford so she could smoke. I remember her telling me not to be like her. She didn't want me to be like her. She loved me so much but didn't want me to be unhappy and destructive and told me she didn't want me to end up like her. I told her I loved her more than anyone and that I wouldn't be unhappy, and it was the last time I spoke to my sister before she died. She went out with friends, did too many drugs which didn't mix with the anti-deppressants, painkillers, migraine meds, etc. she was already being perscribed, and never woke up.
I miss my sister.
I wanted her to meet my daughter but she never will, I wanted her to know I am naming her after her, not because I want her to be like her but because I didn't end up like her, won't end up like her and because I loved her no matter what she did or who she was.
I know she sees me and knows I'm happy. Today those are things I'm going to have to tell myself over and over and over again....
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3 comments:
Oh precious girl! I always remember this time of year. I remember standing in my bedroom the moment my mom called and told me. I was in the final week and a half of pregnancy with Jayna, 1 centimeter dilated and unable to travel. My heart broke . . . the moment felt so unreal to me . . . it was the death of a precious niece and I wasn't even able to attend her funeral. The pain of loss . . . the joy of life, all mixed into the same week. I will always go through the week before Jayna's birthday remembering your sister's death. Jayna feels especially close to her, especially since her illnesses and fear of death. She smiles at me and says, one day I will see my cousin up in heaven. I will always remember the bittersweet moment when Trina and Walt held Jayna for the first time. Tears of loss for their own precious girl and tears of joy for their new niece. Oh Talia, you are bringing a precious girl into this world -- I rejoice with you at this time and I weep. Blessings my precious niece -- and Jesus give our girl a big hug up in heaven!!!!!!!
Aunt Jill
Love you Talia...
Ty
I am so sorry you ever had to experinence pain like this... losing your sister yet I'm grateful for the wonderful memories you all share. I'm confident your sister is beaming knowing her niece will now carrying her name with pride! Thinking of you!
Lisa
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